


a lot like free-falling

by kewltie



Category: K-pop, Super Junior
Genre: M/M, awkward teens navigating the minefield of love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-12-13 17:52:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11765220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kewltie/pseuds/kewltie
Summary: When you're young and in love everything feels like the end of the world.





	a lot like free-falling

Donghae’s first memory of Hyukjae is a mess of brilliant blue hair and a boy sitting under an old oak tree and looking up at the clouds passing by him, completely tuned out from the world as if he’s trying to block it all out. He looks beautiful and serene in his quiet contemplation and Donghae can’t help thinking why he never took notice the boy before because someone with such an outlandish hairstyle would have at least caught his attention at least.

His curiosity is peaked even more so because the boy had set himself apart from the rowdy crowds of students under the afternoon sun in their school’s backyard and Donghae is used to being surrounded by his friends and family because he finds that being alone is too unbearable and hard for him.

It makes the silent harsh and cold, like being on the edge of a knife and when Donghae reach a hand out to touch he gets nothing but air. Donghae finds that’s too unnerving for him to even consider, so Donghae’s can’t help that his mind keep being drawn to the boy who seems so at peace in a world to himself

It takes Donghae less than a day to find out the boy’s name, because there aren’t a lot of people in their school with hair quite like that. What he find out is that Lee Hyukjae like to keep to himself and is a little rough, his abrasive personality doesn’t bring him a horde of admirers despite him being the kind of beauty that immediately turns head but Donghae thinks that might be partly due to the way he’s dressed and carry himself as if someone were to bump to him incidentally he’ll grab them and throw them in the trash. Though Donghae is told the real Hyukjae is quite different, because he has small tight group of friends who are staunchly loyal to him and is a long-time member of the school light music club but most of all is that he is regretfully gay.

The last one is revealed to him over lunch when Victoria tells it to him with a wistful sigh on her lips, being a member of the light music club herself. “He can come off as a little off-putting, but he’s not! He’s very nice and had helped a ton when I was learning how to play my guitar,” Victoria tells him vehemently, her hands gripping her force a little too tightly. “So don’t you dare judge him before you even know him!”

Donghae carefully takes the fork out of her tightly wound up grip and smiles at the manic look on her face. “Don’t worry, I believe you,” he says and he’s not lying. Somehow, he doesn’t think Lee Hyukjae is all the rumored had made him out to be.

There’s just something about Hyukjae that nags at him like an itch he can't quite scratch and the more Donghae unravels the enigma that is Lee Hyukjae the more he becomes interest in him. He wonders what it would be like to be the one to draw Hyukjae out of the fortress he built around himself.

Two weeks later, with his hair is dyed black and with red streaks running through it, Hyukjae takes to the stage in their spring club rush with the light music club and Donghae watches in awed as a serious and intense expression set across Hyukjae’s face and his hands dance on the keyboard in a dynamic and carefully planned choreography.

Victoria had told him early on that the songs play during club rush by Victoria’s group is an original composition made by an unknown composer going by the pseudonym of JL. She was excited for their group to play in front of their classmates for the first time this year and had made him promise to come to their concert after finishing his rounds of checking up on the other clubs as part of his job as a member of the event planning committee . Donghae had already intended to come ever since he’d heard that Hyukjae is taking part of it too.

He was afraid that he would be late to it after the tennis club had an unregulated serving of a certain food in their stall and Donghae had scold them and fixed their mistake. Luckily Donghae made it in time for the music light club performance and though Donghae doesn’t have any interest in music outside of the one that plays in the radio and on TV, he knows that Victoria’s group is simply amazing. Their hard work and long practice really shows on the stage and a set of three songs that showcase each member’s talent.

Victoria on the guitar was like lightning striking his ears, so dangerous and vibrant that the sound continues to resonate through him but it Hyukjae’s keyboard that struck him to the core. His ten seconds solo in one of the songs feel like a captive eternity and Donghae is completely spellbound by it. It was like Hyukjae had torn into his chest and pulled out beating his heart and yanked at his heartstring in a rough and callous way that made him stuttered back in shock.

In that moment, Donghae finds himself enchanted by the boy with the perpetual headphone hanging around his neck, his eyes on the sky as if he’s watching the world going by while he’s standing still, and who can play music that makes Donghae’s heart bleed.  

So it’s no surprise when Donghae finds himself in front of Hyukjae the very next day, smiling brightly as he extends a hand out to Hyukjae. “Hi,” he says and that’s how it starts.

 

\---

  
The first time Hyukjae takes notice of Donghae is when the world is still black and white and bland to him and Donghae appears before him like a splash of neon colors, passing under a row of cherry blossom trees and jumping over a water puddle with fallen cherry blossom petals scattered in it, all the while laughing joyfully as if it was the most miraculous thing.

Hyukjae had thought as long as he has his music that everything would be okay, because music won’t betrayal or disappoint him. When his world turned on his axis after his parents’ divorce and that accident that still cause his hand to shake to this day, music was what kept him going. She was his faithful mistress who kept him sane throughout the nightmarish ordeal.

So Hyukjae had given up on the world and gives his all to his music, social manners and interactions were passed off as needless because Hyukjae doesn’t need them to write and play his music.

But upon meeting Donghae, who shines so bright like a star in the blanketing darkness, he unknowingly cause ripples in Hyukjae’s calm and still world. Hyukjae never meet someone like Donghae, who earnestly seek to better his life and those around him with a determination to do what is _right_. Donghae is delighted by the entire world and he embraces life, for all its negativity and flaw, with open arms and he loves it even when it doesn’t quite love him back. Hyukjae never meet someone so selfless with himself, dedicating his time to school by joining various committees that foster school pride, helping his friends with problem that arise from their life, and just being his generous and cheerful self that everyone comes to adore. He’s not surprise that people flock to Donghae like a moth to a flame and

He is surprise though by his own feeling toward a boy he never directly talk to, they don’t hang around in the same circle after all even if Donghae’s circle is the entire school. It’s tragically cliché of him, Hyukjae thinks. He wonders if that makes him a heroine in the manga if he’s the one pining from afar but he doesn’t mind it so much. He has his music and now he got this boy that make his fingers hummed to a rhythm of the song his heart bear not to sing.

From then on Hyukjae’s eyes never stray far from Donghae.

He just never expects that Donghae would come to him with a smile tugging on his lips and a hand that promise an undying friendship. Hyukjae doesn’t know what to make of it and maybe it’s the earnest expression on Donghae’s face or maybe it’s Hyukjae’s walls crumbling down under the weight of his own feelings staring right at him, but he pulls away and shuts Donghae down.

Donghae, though, brushes off the rejection like an invisible dust bunny and zealously chase after Hyukjae with sheer blind determination. He attends Hyukjae’s club meeting and silently watches their band practice, and because he doesn’t make a scene during these things they let him stay to his heart content. Donghae, though, pays particular attention to when it’s Hyukjae playing and though he claims not to have any knowledge of music except being an avid radio listener from time to time, he always look at Hyukjae’s playing with reverence.

Hyukjae brings the question up to him one day, when they’re alone in the practice room and Hyukjae is on the violin while Donghae has his history book opened. Donghae looks up from his reading and tilts his head thoughtfully to the side.

“Your music,” Donghae says to him finally after a moment of staunch silent. “It’s like a battering ram to my heart. It cuts me in unspeakable ways but I can’t turn away from it because it’s--like talking directly at me, like there’s no barriers, no walls, and it’s just me and the sound and the world stood still as I catch my breath and cry.”

Hyukjae blinks, slow and steady, his violin freezes mid-way to its case. “Oh,” he says, as Donghae pulls back to his book and Hyukjae could see his cheek burning.

“Sorry, I’m not as articulate as those music experts,” he says quietly. “That was stupid of me.”  

Hyukjae gently puts the violin in its cage and then shakes his head. “No, I just never heard anyone put it like that way,” he says and it feels refreshing. Donghae always speak so bluntly and his feelings are written all over his face and Hyukjae never have to guess what he’s thinking or feelings when it’s so obvious yet Donghae continues to astonish him.

His carefully drawn up world is disturbed by a boy who jumped over a puddle of rain to not disturb the fallen cherry blossoms and how easily Donghae had made a room for himself in Hyukjae’s life.  

It’s time that he admits that he isn’t fighting hard to keep Donghae away.

Nothing says that more than when Hyukjae won Donghae a fish during the summer festival after much begging on Donghae’s part for him to go and then Donghae had heedlessly spent fifteen minutes of their time trying to get a fish with his flat sieve in one of the festival games. Hyukjae had grabbed the sieve out of Donghae’s hand and took it from there, after seeing Donghae messed up his 36th scoop of the goldfish.

“Get the fat one,” Donghae ordered, pointing to the one at the far left with a white tail marking.

They all look about the same size to Hyukjae but he sighed and goes after it anyway, because Donghae was gripping tightly onto his shoulder as hover closely behind Hyukjae. Hyukjae carefully scooped the fish up with his sieve after several tries, he may not have played this game before but if he thinks of the game as the same way he treats his violin and piano it’s not all that different with delicate fingers and gentle but swift hands, much to Donghae’s delight.

“His name is going to be Nemo,” Donghae declares afterward, raising up the bag with the little orange-red goldfish inside and smiling at it.   

Hyukjae raises an eyebrow. “Like the Disney movie?” Donghae had made them watched the movie when it was out in theater and Hyukjae tries not to think how weird they look for two male teenagers being in a movie theater with a bunch of kids and their family.

“Exactly like the movie,” Donghae says, pulling his face away from the goldfish to grins at Hyukjae. “I guess we found Nemo.”

“I guess so,” he repeats indulgently and feels entirely too out of his element.

Most of his summer is spent going over his music notes and attending practice but Donghae had been dragging him out of his house to places like the beach, to the downtown district, and even took time to plan their summer trip together with an unfiltered excitement that latches itself to Hyukjae. Even Hyukjae is getting excited for their trip next week.

Hyukjae keeps finding himself agreeing to Donghae’s whims, and it’s a scary prospect for two people who had previously declared that they were too hopeless for love.  

_“My friends tell me I am too busy saving the world to be in love,” Donghae had told him one day in the music room of their school, when everyone had already left and Donghae had stayed behind to keep Hyukjae’s company. It was becoming a habit for the both of them these days._

_Hyukjae’s hands stuttered to a stop momentarily on the grand piano. “Is that so?” he asked keeping his voice even as he continues his playing._

_“I don’t know, maybe I just haven’t meet the right one,” Donghae confessed quietly. “What about you?”_

_That question made him halt his playing completely. “Music is all I need right now,” he lied for the first time to Donghae, turning himself around to see Donghae sitting carelessly on the floor and his plans for Sunday evening basketball charity event lay next to him._

_“Oh, I guess we’re just a little too hopeless for love then,” Donghae says, gripping his paper a little too tightly and Hyukjae wonders if he had said something wrong._

Hyukjae’s relationship with Donghae is different than what he has with Sungmin or Junsu and its leaving him breathless.

 

\---

 

Sometimes all it takes is a single moment, a passing meeting, for that person to change your world.   
  


\---

 

 

The one who confesses first is Donghae because Donghae isn’t one to bottle up his feelings, and ever since he realized that the feelings that bubbled in chest is something new and terrifying and hopeless and warm and it’s all for Hyukjae, he _can’t_ hide it. He wants to show it to the world, shout it loud and ingrained into the stars so that the heaven will sing their names. Not even the insecurity and fear of Hyukjae not returning his feelings could stifled it. He can only hope that his blind determination will not end up ripping their entire relationship to shred.

Donghae is the one who confessed first but Hyukjae is the one who had fallen in love way before Donghae had even knew Hyukjae had even exist. Hyukjae gad spent his days thinking of the boy with the open smile and heart so wide that it could fit an entire world and everyone else in it. He was content with watching Donghae from afar because Donghae is a star in the sky and Hyukjae is a mere mortal that had found himself enamored with him. There is a reason stars are unreachable, he think.

So, when Donghae had taken to the roof and rolled down a banner that declared ‘I LOVE YOU, LEE HYUKJAE!’ very loudly and obnoxiously in bright blue ink and a cartoonish drawing of a male couple holding hands to the entire school during their school’s fall festival, Hyukjae can’t help thinking that his entire world is about to collapse in on itself because surely Donghae couldn’t return his feelings right? He can’t be that lucky.

When Junsu’s elbow jabs him repeated to get his attention, Hyukjae breaks out of shocked. “You lucky dog,” he says, grinning widely. “Stop standing there like an idiot and go after him.”  

Hyukjae fees pivot and he’s pushing his way through a crowd of merry students and family, trying to reach the center circle of school’s festival layout where Donghae is certainly is with his event planning committee members.

It doesn’t take long before he’s breaking away from the crowds and can sees glimpses of Donghae covering his face in embarrassment as his friends coo and laughs around him, teasing Donghae as he groaned that they should just leave him alone and do their freaking job.

Hyukjae opens his mouth to call out to Donghae when a man collides with him and Hyukjae is squish up against another body and his right hand is tinged with pain. He snaps at the man who had pushed him and wants to shove the man’s stupid donuts down his throat if he doesn’t get the fuck out of the way this second so he can get to Donghae.  

When the man moves and Hyukjae is standing right in front of Donghae, Donghae jerks his head up and when his eyes meet Hyukjae, it is lit up in fear and before Hyukjae could say anything that’s when Donghae makes a run for it.

Donghae’s confession is over the top and silly and stupid. If Donghae wasn’t Donghae and is Hyukjae, he would be too embarrassed to even associate Donghae. He shouldn’t have brought the idea up to Heechul in the first place because he’d always let Heechul convinced him to do it anyway despite his reluctance to do it in the first place, even though it was his idea. But with Heechul’s encouragement he had gotten carry away with the confession and when it was all finished and he’d took a step back to see what he had done, it is with the realization that he had completely fucked up that made him run, if Hyukjae pissed off expression was any indication upon finding Donghae.

It is so incredibly stupid of him to do that, exposing Hyukjae to the public when Donghae clearly knew that Hyukjae values his privacy deeply and bringing their attention on Hyukjae when he doesn’t even like any kind of attention that isn’t on his music.

It was supposed to be a grand gesture of his feelings but it just ended up with him making a fool of himself and destroying his relationship with Hyukjae, which is why he’s hiding in the girl’s abandoned fourth floor bathroom in shame now.

He’s sulking in the girl’s bathroom for twenty minutes and ignoring the way his cellphone been vibrating frantically, when the bathroom door slams open and Jessica strolls in.

“He has the entire school looking for you, you know. I didn’t think he could get any scarier than that time you fell down the ladder trying hanging up your stupid banner by yourself for the festival but I’m surprise how he could get an entire student body to get up their ass and move that quickly,” Jessica tells him, crouching down in front of him.

Donghae makes no move to get up and doesn’t even question how Jessica had found him, because Jessica always knows where he is. It’s almost like a skill at this point. “I’m never leaving here again,” he mumbles into his arms.

“Don’t be ridiculous Donghae you can’t stay here forever,” she says, rolling her eyes and he could hear her pulling out her cellphone and rapidly texting on it. “There, I just sent Hyukjae a text about where you are.”

Donghae jerks his head up from his arms and stares at Jessica’s grinning face. “Jessica, you traitor,” he hisses.

“Whatever, I’m doing this for your own good,” she says with a wave of her hand. “You have three minutes to disappear before he arrives here.”

Donghae pushes himself up and out of the door quickly and when he heard footsteps frantically climbing the stairs at the end of the hall from him, he turns around to face Jessica. “You said three minutes!” he snaps.

Jessica smiles before shrugging. “Well, I lied.”

“I hate you so much,” he declares.

“I love you too,” she replies sweetly.

“Ugh,” he says, and when hears the familiar voice of Hyukjae shouting, “Donghae, stop running from me!” from down the hall, Donghae is turning away from Jessica and hiding the opposite direction from Hyukjae.

But Donghae could hear Hyukjae’s footsteps catching up from behind him and it’s entirely too unfair that Donghae is the one who play sports often but Hyukjae has no problem matching his speed.

“Go away,” he grits out between huffs and puffs. ” He takes a sharp turn to the left.

“Don’t be stupid, Donghae. We can talk it over like mature people,” Hyukjae says and doesn’t miss his step as he follows directly behind Donghae.

“I don’t want to talk to you,” he shouts, and god his lungs are burning and his feet are starting to ache. He shouldn’t have this much of a problem from escaping Hyukjae but Donghae had spent two weeks hard at work on the festival and had barely sleep a wink, trying to get everything up working correctly and fuck-- Hyukjae tackles him to the floor from behind.

They land in a tangle mess in the hallway of the third year’s science building, elbows colliding and legs bumping each other, and Donghae is knocks out just for a moment for Hyukjae to rolls on top of him and presses Donghae’s arms to the floor.  

“Ouch,” Donghae whines, his entire body is feeling sore.

Hyukjae ignores him and takes one hand away from holding Donghae’s arm down and pulls Donghae’s face to look directly at him. “Who said you can run away after you confessed?” Hyukjae demands.

Donghae wishes someone could kill him right now because this is too embarrassing for him to live through. “I--I’m sorry,” Donghae says, his body growing too hot in such a close vicinity to Hyukjae. “Can we just forget about that? Because that was stupid of me. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Are you regretting it now?” Hyukjae asks stiffly on top of him, his hand gripping tightly at Donghae’s face.

“Well, yea. I didn’t think my plan through and thoroughly embarrassed the both of us. I wish I could have listened to Kyuhyun and just wrote a confession letter or something,” he says, cheeks staining at the thought. Somehow a confession letter feels more impossible than a stupid banner.

Hyukjae goes completely still and Donghae wishes he could zip his mouth because seriously too much information Donghae. “You are so stupid,” Hyukjae says, sighing a little as his hand starts to stroke Donghae’s cheek in an almost gentle caress. “You’re lucky that I find that part of you adorable.”  

“W--what?” Donghae sputters out. He must have heard wrong because that can’t be right.

“I said you’re adorable and before you go thinking I say that to just anyone, and seriously why would I go and say that thoughtlessly, I think you’re amazing and entirely too lovely for this world. I don’t think I deserve you at all, quite frankly, but if you would have me I would be glad to be your boyfriend,” Hyukjae says, yanking both is his hands back and it sounds just like the same way he’s explaining his musical choice to Donghae but he could see the tip of Hyukjae’s ears going red against the silver metal earrings on his ear and it matches with the red hair he has on this month.

“Yes, yes, yes,” Donghae says, and pulls Hyukjae down for a hug.

He’s starting to understand why a lot of his friends can get so hung up on love and why when their love is mutual they feel like they’re on top of the world because right here and now, the world could end and Donghae wouldn’t care because Hyukjae loves Donghae too and that’s all that matter now.

 

\---

 

The first time Donghae holds Hyukjae’s hand, he had brushed his palm against his pants first and hoped it isn’t sweaty and too presumptuous as he reached for Hyukjae’s hand with the caution and wary of someone disarming a nuclear bomb. It only takes Hyukjae a few seconds to realize what had happen but by then Donghae had already pulled away, too nervous and afraid he had offended Hyukjae.

But Hyukjae takes the initiative this time and takes hold Donghae’s hand in his and squeezes it as darkness envelopes them in the movie theater. Donghae’s breath stutters and his chest tightens and it’s feels a lot like a dream.

Donghae wonders what sort of face Hyukjae is making and is he as affected by the touch of the hand like Donghae is. He doesn’t know how something like two hands clasp together could set his heart aflutter, but it is Hyukjae’s hand that he’s bound to and it would take a saw to rip them apart and even then Donghae doesn’t think he’ll to let go. He wants to know if Hyukjae is thinking the same thing but the encompassing darkness hides Hyukjae’s face and Donghae wishes that this movie would last a little longer because as soon as the light goes up he’ll has to let go.

 

\---

 

 

It’s two weeks into their relationship when they go on their first official date, even though everyone been telling him that they had been dating for months now. Whatever, Donghae wants to this to be special for them at least. So, he had anxiously waits for this day and couldn’t sleep the night before because he’d stayed up late to imagine all the scenarios that could happen tomorrow and he ran through them with the precision of someone planning a strategic warfare. Then, when the day the date arrives, Donghae had several outfits lay out in front of him, picked out the night before with Heechul’s help, and it takes him 30 minutes to narrowed it down to a single one because he wants to look good for Hyukjae, and it’s that fervent feeling to please Hyukjae that takes hold of him the entire day. He wants to be amazing, he wants to impress Hyukjae enough to prove that Hyukjae did not go wrong in dating Donghae.

Donghae goes to their meeting spot thirty minutes early because he’s paranoid and doesn’t want to be late, and make Hyukjae think he doesn’t care enough to try to be on time. Donghae can’t stop looking at his watch, counting down the minutes feels too much like counting down to his death. He’s so excited for this but so gripped with merciless fear that takes him by the throat because he wants this date to go well, he doesn’t want to mess it up.

When Hyukjae finally arrives, it’s awkward hi’s between them as if they’re a pair of strangers meeting for the first time. Donghae shuffled his feet in greeting and Hyukjae’s head is bow in return. It is so strange and unusual for the both of them to behave like this when they had known each other for months now but standing in front of Donghae isn’t Lee Hyukjae is best friend but Lee Hyukjae his boyfriend and Donghae hasn’t been able to mesh the two together.

Once he got control of himself, he leads Hyukjae to the first part of their date. Donghae had this entire date all planned a week before, asking Heechul where he often go with Hangeng on his dates, from the place they would go eat to the movie they would watch and when and where they would just stop to take a little break in between and everything is meant to be perfect but first dates are weird as Heechul had told him; however, Donghae was too busy getting caught up in dreaming up the perfect scenario for their date to pay any attention.

The date went exactly as Heechul had predicted.

Donghae fumbled and choked on his words and Hyukjae was stiffed and hesitant and everything that can go wrong went entirely wrong. Donghae lost their movie ticket and Hyukjae spilled his drink on Donghae’s shirt and their moment to be alone together is meet with awkward silent, like trying they’re both trying to find words to fill in the gap left between them but it seems more like hurling words into abyss and getting nothing back, it is like a feeble attempt at communication.

After that disastrous date, Hyukjae walks Donghae home as Donghae fumes in silent next to him. Reflecting on all the events that had happened on their date, he hates how terrible their first date went and Hyukjae must have hated it too, because he didn’t say much on their way home and he may dislike it so much that he doesn’t think Donghae is worth his time. Donghae is suddenly seized with trepidation that this is the last date for the both of them that he doesn’t notice they’re in front of Donghae’s house already and bumps against Hyukjae’s back.

“Hey, we’re here,” Hyukjae says.

Donghae doesn’t move from his spot, instead he wraps his arms around Hyukjae’s waist, hugging his back and says pitifully into it, “I ruin everything, I’m sorry. If you don’t like me anymore it’s okay I understand but let me have this at least before we part ways.”

Hyukjae abruptly burst out laughing because that thought never even cross his mind, he only saw this unfortunate date and takes what he can learn from it and thought of ways that their next date, and the one after that, could be much better from then on and Donghae is just being too silly and adorable and hopeless and this is the boy that stolen Hyukjae’s heart.

Hyukjae lifts one of Donghae’s hands from his waist and presses a gentle kiss on the knuckles. “We’ll do better next time,” he promises, “and if that date also sucks then we’ll try again and again until we get it right and even then when we do, I want to continue to go with you out until you’re so tired and bored with me that you want to throw me away.”

"Never," Donghae mumbles against Hyukjae’s back, feeling his cheeks goes flushed and so happy and delirious that he feels that if he breath and break this moment the world would end.

So, their first date was a failure but there are many more dates to make up for it. Donghae doesn’t need one perfect date when he can have hundreds more in the future.

  
\---

 

 

Their first kiss is meet in an awkward collision. It’s hesitant and shy and too much teeth and spits, and most of all it’s too short for Donghae’s taste. When Hyukjae pulls apart, his cheeks are red and he wouldn’t meet Donghae’s eyes, Donghae is thankful for that at least because he’s feeling flush and faint. It’s nothing like the kisses in the movies or the dramas Donghae’s mother loves to watch. It isn’t perfect, there’s no exploding fireworks or flowers blooming the background but it feels perfect, feels _right_ because it’s Hyukjae that’s kissing him and it’s Hyukjae that makes his world turn.

Their twelve kiss tastes like desperation and lust and a lot more force, with Hyukjae holding the back of Donghae’s head and pulling him in, kissing him like a drowning man seeking his last air and Donghae falls into it, holding on because he’s afraid if he let go he’ll die.  
  


\---

 

 

Their first fight is stupid and absolutely terrifying. It’s over something dumb like a broken promise but somehow it feels too much like the end of the world.

"You said you would come to amusement park with me and now you’re cancelling at the last minute, do you not care?" Donghae accuses spitefully. He’s hurt and angry, and it’s awful. They had planned this trip for a month now and Hyukjae is bailing out on him three days before, how could he be that heartless? Donghae had anxiously anticipated for this day since Hyukjae had brought it up and Donghae thought about spending his first Valentine's with his boyfriend and how special it would be for the both of them. He so mad at Junsu for taking Hyukjae away from him, but he’s mostly mad at Hyukjae for going along with it.

Then when Donghae calmed himself enough two days later, he collapsed on his bed and wants to cry because how could Donghae make Hyukjae choose between his friend and Donghae? He hates how selfish he has become, how selfish love has made him.

Hyukjae had canceled their valentine's date because he has to help Junsu with his father restaurant and Hyukjae can’t say no to Junsu, not when they’re longtime friends and he couldn’t deny Junsu’s request even though he wants to go with Donghae. Donghae refused to listen to him and fought with Hyukjae every step of the way, and Hyukjae, who never like raising his voice, found himself arguing back.

“Stop throwing a tantrum when things don’t go your way. You’re being childish and I don’t have time for your ridiculousness when I got better things to do. Go whine to your friends to make yourself feel better,” he had snapped.

Donghae flinched back as if Hyukjae had cut him and stormed out of the room before Hyukjae could even think of stopping him. Later on that day, Hyukjae had thought back on what had happened and doesn’t know what go in to him when he had cruelly snapped at Donghae like that. He hates how Donghae had looked afterward, like Hyukjae had intentionally broken his heart, and it makes him sick to his stomach.

For the next week they awkwardly walk around each other, almost afraid to break their delicate relationship because they had hurt each other in ways they didn’t think was possible, because they soon realize that as much love strengthen their bond and let them develop a deeper relationship with each other, it also means giving your partner ammunition to hurt you and love is just like everything else. It has two sides, hot and cold and when it burns it hurt.

  
\---

 

 

The first time that Donghae got jealous it is because of Sungmin of all people. It was over something silly, that Sungmin knew what kind of shirt Hyukjae would like for his Christmas present. He _knows_ that Hyukjae and Sungmin are just good friends but that doesn’t stop the ugly feelings of insecurity and envy from festering like mold inside him. It makes him read too much into every little thing and second guess Hyukjae’s feeling for him.

Donghae can’t help hating how Sungmin easily know what kind food Hyukjae likes, the kind of music that he prefers, the way he can casually talks to Hyukjae about their music while Donghae could only listen and watch as they get lost in their world, and how Sungmin knows of Hyukjae’s past and his secrets while Donghae could only peer from the outside in until Hyukjae is ready to tell him. But most of all Donghae hates the ugly feeling of being _unsure_ and to be so jealous of Hyukjae’s long history with Sungmin when it’s a harmless childhood friendship.

Donghae wants to know all the things that Sungmin knows, wants to see a side of Hyukjae that nobody knows and that he doesn’t have to share it with anyone else, he wants Hyukjae to willingly to tell him about his troubles, and for Hyukjae to open up his world to Donghae. He simply doesn’t want Hyukjae to exclude him from his life because if Hyukjae leave him out of it Donghae thinks he might break and that terrifies him.

Hyukjae is always jealous, jealous of the world, jealous of all those who possess Donghae’s attention. He never thought he would be the possessive type, but Donghae is becoming the epicenter of his world and he wants it all. All of Donghae, all his love, his attention, his smiles, his laughs, and it’s a _wretched_ feeling. Hyukjae never had this problem before and he’s terrified at what’s he becoming. It’s greedy and selfish and the world deserves Donghae and as much as Hyukjae wants to give the world Donghae, Hyukjae is afraid that it will take Donghae from him. That is something he never wants to consider.

Insecurity and fear can breed like pigs in any relationship and sometimes all it takes is two people talking it out to resolve. It’s just that Donghae and Hyukjae has yet to bridge that gap in their youth.

  
\---

 

“What it’s like to be in love,” Henry asks him, curious and earnest one day during lunch time. 

Donghae pauses in his texting and looks up from his cellphone. He tilts his head and quirks up an eyebrow. “What brought this on? Are you interest in someone?”

“Nah, I’m just curious because you and Hyukjae-hyung because you’re the famous idiot couple in our school.”

Donghae frowns. “They still call us that?”

“Well yea since you were stupid enough to confess and then ran away, and Hyukjae-hyung ended up running around the school like mad trying to find you,” Henry says, resting his head his arms as he looks up at Donghae.

Donghae rolls his eyes, it was last year why won’t it die already.

“It’s well--okay,” Donghae says, trying to find the right words that grasped his feeling, “a lot like free-falling, an uncontrolled descent with nothing to hold you back and it’s terrifying and exhilarating at the same time and you don’t know what will happen to you as you go along but you’re doing it anyway because you know the ride is worth it.”

“But if you’re falling then doesn’t mean you have to hit the ground eventually,” Henry says, furrowing his brows.  

“Yea,” Donghae say, soft and quiet. “Hopefully when that happen it’s because we’re both old and dead and not because either one of us had fallen out of love.”

Henry jumps in his seat. “No way! You want--with Hyukjae-hyung?!”

Donghae blushes and turns away. “Yea, just don’t tell him.”  

“Aren’t you too, uh a little young to think about forever?” Henry asks hesitantly.

Donghae shakes his head. “I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, maybe next week we find out that we don’t work out at all or that god forbid Hyukjae has to choose between me or his music because this city can’t hold Hyukjae’s burgeoning talent forever and I love him too much to stifled his music but--,” he looks out the window for a brief moment before turning back to Henry, “but it doesn’t mean that the feeling that I have now isn’t real and that the future I hope for is futile. So, I’m jumping off this airplane and I’m going to land one day but at least I can enjoy the ride, right.”

“Hyung,” Henry says and it’s desperate and urgent.  

“Don’t worry about it,” Donghae says, a smile cresting on his face. “I’m sure if we’re meant to be no matter how what happen in the future we’ll find each other again.”

“You’re so optimistic, hyung,” Henry says, leaning back in his chair with a sigh. “I don’t know if I can smile like you if I have that dubious future hanging constantly over my head.”  

Donghae reaches over and pats Henry’s head affectionately. “If I wasn’t then I don’t think I would be able to fallen in love with someone like Hyukjae.”

“Yea,” Henry says, returning Donghae's smile with his own. “I hope you guys do stay together no matter what they say about first love.”

Donghae gives him a crooked smile.  “Yea, I hope so too.”   

 

\---

 

First love as they say doesn’t always last, but it burns the brightest because it takes all our firsts.

**Author's Note:**

> if i have the time >:[[[ i would write expand this so muuuuuuuuuch, because i could write pages and upon pages of eunhae falling in love and being in a relationship and all the THE FEELS that come with it, this is why the fic has a weird structure to it b/c i wrote it as a ramble-y style not!fic??, but gah no time, also i got to stop posting fic at 6am on monday morning. neeeed sleep.


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